identity crisis.

So I've been engaged for almost year and my wedding is in a little less then three months and somewhere in between these two dates, I've sort of had an identity crisis. I am not your traditional girl. I have piercings and tattoos and do things on my own terms so why would I want a traditional wedding? I never wanted the the diamond ring (my engagement ring has topaz because it's the color of my eyes),the white wedding dress (I originally wanted to wear either red or black), or any of that fancy shmancy wedding stuff. Don't get me wrong, I feel like I deserve all that stuff but I'm happiest when I'm true to myself. My parents have been beyond fantastic during this whole thing, paying for EVERYTHING and organizing little details that wouldn't have even been a thought in my mind but unlike me and my fiance, they are a little bit more conventional when it comes to the wedding stuff which was sort of a shock for me. I wanted them to want me to wear a red wedding dress and have a taco bar instead of a sit down dinner. I thought they would have been happy that someone loves me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me that a ring without a diamond shouldn't be an issue because it's what I asked for (I also got a Nintendo wii as part of my engagement give from my future hubs. Cute, right?) This where the identity crisis comes in. I want to be true to myself because after all, I am the one getting married. It's James and I saying "I do" not my parents, but on the other hand, I am trying to please the beneficiaries of the wedding and in doing so I am compromising a lot of myself. I love to hear their opinions because they do have such good taste, but at the end of the night, shouldn't I be the one that's truly happy? I am only getting married the one time, right? Sure, there are things that they made me see the light on, like the wedding dress. I am absolutely in love with my dress, I want to wear it grocery shopping. I see that merit in the fact that they want me to have a white gold wedding ring because it say, "Hey, I'm married," but I think that James and I should have the final say in what they look like since we are going to be the ones wearing them. I love my parents greatly, and because of that fact I feel like I am giving up a lot of myself. I'm trying to be my quirky anti-bride self while playing to their conventional-wedding senses. I know that in the end all they want is for me to have a smash of a wedding, but at what cost? I am struggling enough being a bride all on my own. I see all these images on T.V. and in magazines on what the "ideal bride" should look like and honey, she ain't me. Sure, I've been getting in shape and losing weight, but that's for my own benefit, but everything else is hard for me to get on board with. Like all of a sudden I'm not going to get a spray tan or start dressing differently then I regularly do just because I'm getting married. When I went to the bridal fair with Tess I was just looking around at all these women and they all started to look the same. It's like when you get engaged you put away the phone nail polish and make up and bust out the pinks and the acrylics, and the french manis. That just isn't my style. Maybe it's because I'm 21 but still. With family pressure and media pressure it's hard knowing who I am in this whole situation. To me the most important thing is that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone I love and who loves me back. Shouldn't everyone just say that's enough, the two of you need to be happy at the end of the day? At least I have my fiance to rest my head on at the end of the day and vent to.

That's all.

xo Alexandra